Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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