I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
