Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
