Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
