i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
