Cold hands, warm shart.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
