Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
