How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
FUCK WHALES
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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