I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
