Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
