And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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