He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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