i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Say something about gay babies.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
