I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
