well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
