...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
