I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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