U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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