Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
