I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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