I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Randomize
