**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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