So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
