If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
