Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
