how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I think I died a long time ago.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
