Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Please don't give away my fajitas
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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