oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
