Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
