How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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