i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
