I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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