She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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