Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
