I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
