The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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