it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
