What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
