I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
