i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
