We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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