If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I can text with my tongue
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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