Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
