): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
