Fine. I'll sleep in my office
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
