Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
