The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
