Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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