I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
