Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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