WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
