need another drink. this is the easiest way
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
