Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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