I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
